Something like…

…heartbreak. Even though I’m professionally (and happily) single.

Perhaps because this is the first milestone/project I’ve ever set up for myself and by myself, without anyone else’s opinions or reactions.

Perhaps because this is the only thing I’ve ever created from scratch before.

Perhaps because it’s my way to use this voice that always feels snuffed out by multiple parts of the world.

Perhaps, all of the above is the reason why this feels like heartbreak. Perhaps I’ve fallen in love with it, deeper than I realized, more intensely then I realized, that this hurts so much more than I could have ever anticipated. I usually pop back up from a depressing hour or hours the following day because my tolerance for my own sadness and/or self-pity is uniquely low. But this morning I did not pop. I rolled over and grumbled. Irritated that I woke up 4 hours before my alarm.

There is nothing for me to even do at 7am!!

But it gave me more time to think. Or maybe to not think. To just listen to the songs that usually take care of my dejected heart, to just feel. I spend too much time thinking.

Something like heartbreak and maybe something like giving my heart a break.