But I think…

…I’ve always been like this.

And because of that, I can’t get behind that idea.

“My people” because we share the same country of origin, or are both 1st generation. “My people” because the hues of our skintone sometimes align.

I don’t…I can’t agree. If that works for you-if it works so well for you, why must you try so hard to make me believe that it works for me too?

The only thing I’ve done is to not live up to the incorrect mental image you have of me.

I don’t understand why that should be my problem.

This isn’t about if I’m generous enough, or if I’m understanding enough

This isn’t about if I’m patient enough, or if I’m caring enough

This isn’t about any of the qualities that are truly about the human experience*.

At least not in my eyes.

I want to connect to people through their souls. Not the labels we throw around, not the stamps of approval we wholeheartedly give to make mental categorizing easier, and not anything that simply floats on the water’s surface-never dense enough to explore underneath.

And yet, something that makes so much sense to me. These eyes stare back at me in confusion-or worse-in apprehension. As if I’ve diverged from the path of “normal thinking,” as if I need to be “fixed.”

Some people ask, “Why do I have to break out of the mold? Why do I need to be different? What if this is just me, and I’m just not special. What’s wrong with that?”

Well, I’m genuinely curious and I ask, “Well then, what’s right with that? How can you possibly know that you’re not special when too many of us use a measurement that is so generalized and that is so ridiculously flawed. Who says everyone’s definition of “special” has to be the same? What if what you think of yourself isn’t special, is actually really amazing but you’ve just never considered it that because people have told you that it doesn’t fit into the mold. Is this mold not something of our own creation?”

I guess I just don’t understand. How we can say things can never change, but we’re constantly forgetting how we are the ones who have created and contributed to the “norm” that’s in place. Why do we always struggle to see how that alone is proof that things can change?

But for better or for more restraining?

That’s a choice we make.

Quietly or out loud.

Mentally or physically.

Either we make a choice

Or we follow a choice

Sometimes unknowingly.

Sometimes wholeheartedly.

And I don’t know the right answer. I’m word vomiting here, precisely because I don’t know the overall right answer to this question that I struggle to find the words to form. I don’t even know if there is a right answer. Maybe there’s just a more correct answer. But I would like to know your answer. The answer to why you feel the need to cover my eyes with sunglasses shaded with labels, biases, and justifications for exclusions, when all I wish to do is to see and connect to someone’s heart.

Why is it that you think I’m wrong?

Rhetorical question,

because I don’t think you will ever give me answer (and yet my heart is hopeful for a “one day”).

 

After all,

How can you have an answer to a question that you’ve never heard?

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