Because I…

…want to find those who will be patient with me.

I know I deserve that much.

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H o n e s t l y . . .

Honestly

Honestly

Honestly

Honestly

Honestly

honestly, 

I’m

scared.

What if I can’t make the beautiful creations in my head come to life in this reality? What if I never can? What if I fail by those standard?. Not a lack of motivation, but…the fear of doing something that I’ve never tried before…the fear that something I care so intensely about might not work out regardless of how much love I have…the fear…that I might truly…not be able to do it…

sigh

And yet I can’t give up. I can’t loosen my grip, I can’t uncurl my fingers. Trust me, I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t move backwards, but my feet are hesitating moving forward.

But

But

BUT

Right. I didn’t come this far to simply come this far. Honestly, didn’t expect to make this far…or for it to last this long…and yet hear* I am………………..

I guess…even if it scares the mess out of me…

….I just have to do what I love right now….

….Because I honestly cannot think of anything else I can do

“Nothing else….that I’m good at”

 

 

 

*initially a typo, but a typo that works well so now it’s purposeful

It’s like…

…a lot of us-if not most of us-are so desperately afraid of feeling the void. So, we dance around it, or toss things into it-anything that prevents us from having to directly look at it.

Because maybe we’re scared of what we might see

Or

Maybe we’re scared of what we won’t see.

But I think…

…I’ve always been like this.

And because of that, I can’t get behind that idea.

“My people” because we share the same country of origin, or are both 1st generation. “My people” because the hues of our skintone sometimes align.

I don’t…I can’t agree. If that works for you-if it works so well for you, why must you try so hard to make me believe that it works for me too?

The only thing I’ve done is to not live up to the incorrect mental image you have of me.

I don’t understand why that should be my problem.

This isn’t about if I’m generous enough, or if I’m understanding enough

This isn’t about if I’m patient enough, or if I’m caring enough

This isn’t about any of the qualities that are truly about the human experience*.

At least not in my eyes.

I want to connect to people through their souls. Not the labels we throw around, not the stamps of approval we wholeheartedly give to make mental categorizing easier, and not anything that simply floats on the water’s surface-never dense enough to explore underneath.

And yet, something that makes so much sense to me. These eyes stare back at me in confusion-or worse-in apprehension. As if I’ve diverged from the path of “normal thinking,” as if I need to be “fixed.”

Some people ask, “Why do I have to break out of the mold? Why do I need to be different? What if this is just me, and I’m just not special. What’s wrong with that?”

Well, I’m genuinely curious and I ask, “Well then, what’s right with that? How can you possibly know that you’re not special when too many of us use a measurement that is so generalized and that is so ridiculously flawed. Who says everyone’s definition of “special” has to be the same? What if what you think of yourself isn’t special, is actually really amazing but you’ve just never considered it that because people have told you that it doesn’t fit into the mold. Is this mold not something of our own creation?”

I guess I just don’t understand. How we can say things can never change, but we’re constantly forgetting how we are the ones who have created and contributed to the “norm” that’s in place. Why do we always struggle to see how that alone is proof that things can change?

But for better or for more restraining?

That’s a choice we make.

Quietly or out loud.

Mentally or physically.

Either we make a choice

Or we follow a choice

Sometimes unknowingly.

Sometimes wholeheartedly.

And I don’t know the right answer. I’m word vomiting here, precisely because I don’t know the overall right answer to this question that I struggle to find the words to form. I don’t even know if there is a right answer. Maybe there’s just a more correct answer. But I would like to know your answer. The answer to why you feel the need to cover my eyes with sunglasses shaded with labels, biases, and justifications for exclusions, when all I wish to do is to see and connect to someone’s heart.

Why is it that you think I’m wrong?

Rhetorical question,

because I don’t think you will ever give me answer (and yet my heart is hopeful for a “one day”).

 

After all,

How can you have an answer to a question that you’ve never heard?

HBDD by Khalil Fong

“HBDD is a song dedicated to each and every one of societies unsung heroes who most of us never hear about. These are people in various positions and professions who, with a selfless attitude and spirit of service, contribute to the world in both the micro and macro. The man who keeps our streets clean. The woman who teaches. The brave firefighter. The business man of principle. The honorable judge. The faithful spouse. The trustworthy doctor. The open minded scientist. These are just a few of many and through this music video I wish to celebrate their existence. I hope you all enjoy this and remember to wait for the easter egg that I included specially for the fans!”

Lyrics English Translation: https://onehallyu.com/topic/405656-khalil-fong-%E6%96%B9%E5%A4%A7%E5%90%8C-%E5%BE%88%E4%B8%8D%E4%BD%8E%E8%AA%BF-hbdd/

I don’t know why this link ends up looking so sketch ._.

“Tightrope” by Janelle Monáe

This song still continues to be my personal cheerleader to keep going when things are rough or doubtful. I can’t even remember what dreams I had that felt like they were always in danger during high school. But now I have something I’m protecting desperately, I “can’t allow it” to be taken away.

“When you get elevated
They love it or they hate it
You dance up on them haters
Keep getting funky on the scene
While they jumpin’ round ya
They trying to take all of your dreams
But you can’t allow it”

I hope to one day create a track that’s similar to this style of music (I have no idea what category it’s under. Swing? Big band? Just jazz? Funk??).

Thanks for inspiring me to keep going, Janelle Monáe.